Erste sorge is German for "first sorrow"... and it is the first sorrow because it's only morning, and i'm already feeling blue... and i did take my Xanax today... LOL
It's just that i woke up feeling dettached from myself, i mean, not like my usual self. A little like i just don't belong anymore. Dunno, it's just weird...
MrArch hasn't yet replied, maybe I DID scare him away... Mum's not home (I know I may be a little old for that, but I'm just a big momma's boy at heart), I have the exam looming over me and I just don't know what to do... maybe I should get to study some! That'd take the edge off of everything, take my thoughts somewhere else, somewhere safe... Safe and away from myself, that is.
So, whatever, let's just take like by the horns and live this random life i've been forced to live alive... LOL
I have considered and given a lot of thought to stop dating. Like really stop it... I mean, it's useless! Same old story, boy meets boy, boy falls fast and hard, other boy fails to reciprocate, boy is lonely again. After all, maybe I am just too young to know anything about love, about relationships and about men... It's just hurtful, u know? Meeting someone I like, going out a couple of times, nothing happens, and then, they're just gone! I swear, they just vanish! PUFF! And afterwards, I am, again, all alone, feeling miserable, wondering what went wrong, feeling bad about myself and with no will left to do anything... until someone else pops up and pulls me out of my comma, makes me feel good and wanted again and then leaves and pushes me deeper into the hole he pulled me out from. Maybe I'll become unreachable, u know, one of those persons who just seem to not have feelings at all. A guy told me the other day that every breakup and dissappointment would take me closer to become the hard cold steel bitch i need to be in order to survive a lovelife... I don't want to be a hard cold steel bitch... I want to remain soft and warm and cuddly, and i want to keep my ability to fall in love and be amazed by random things in life... I don't want to bitter up as old people do, after they realize that what is there, is everything that will ever be...
Maybe I'm just not looking for Him in the right places, or maybe I'm falling for everyone for all the wrong reasons... Maybe a break will help me see what's wrong, maybe there'ssomething the matter with me... I don't want to run again into the ever-open arms of MrBear... oh, that's another -sad- story... will fill ya'll guys later...
In the meantime, let's burn some neurones off!! LOL
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